It's The Lean Green Ninja Team

2014 was... not a good year for me. Or for anyone, by the sound of it.
But one of the slightly less soul-destroying parts was Nickelodeon's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Not the godforsaken mess that I'm certain Michael Bay's movie turned out to be (DEAR LORDE, THE NIGHTMARISH CHARACTER DESIGNS!), but the animated children's show.

I watch a lot of shows in the background at work. I've seen waaay too many episodes of Dinosaur Train and Octonauts. I would be perfectly fine if I never saw an episode of Dinosaur Train again (the show tries to be educational, with long monologues about different dinosaurs... but the dinosaurs have a train!). The first episode of TMNT I watched (out of the corner of my eye, whilst writing a lit lesson on Kipling's Rikki Tikki Tavi) was 'Of Rats and Men' from season 2. In retrospect, that was a weird beginning.


Sometimes when you stare into the void, ice cream kitty stares back at you.

When little boys get into a thing, they really get into it. So, for a few months, there was a lot of the ninja turtle vibe happening in my everyday life. I would get to work, help L get dressed in one of his turtle jumpsuits, dodging blows from miniature katanas and bo sticks, before getting out the textas for him to draw (beautifully rendered) tiny Donatello masks all over every drawing he did, then we would play with ninja turtle Lego whilst humming the ninja turtles theme song.

And... I... got into it. The show, I mean.

It's not a perfect tv show, by any means (season 3? What the Hell are you doing?), and it's definitely not on the level of the children's television taking the world by storm - not one of your Adventure Times or The Last Airbenders. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it.
I won't explain the show's basic conceit, because, really, the title says it all. They're mutated turtles who do ninjitsu. If you need more background info, Google is your friend. I won't comment too much on this incarnation of 2012 TMNT's relation to the previous versions, simply because I never watched them. I was too young for the 80s/90s version and too old for the 2003 version. And I don't think I will ever care enough to sit down with the DVDs... so. There. Not even interested. Partly because I'm sort of shallow.

This:




vs

This:




... I'm going to go for the cuter, easier-to-differentiate-between-turtles version.

In terms of story, the quality and content varies greatly. Some episodes have a monster-of-the-week vibe going, which is OK, I guess; some episodes serve a greater plot arc, which I prefer... and some episodes are just batcrap insane. Season three, so far has consisted almost solely of the latter - and not even good, interesting examples of insanity, either. One episode was about Michelangelo befriending a horribly conceived frog version of Napoleon Dynamite: Napoleon Bonafrog, voiced by Jon Heder. It was ghastly. Worse still was an episode in which a female Big Foot and and a psycho redneck hunter (calling himself 'The Finger' and wearing the shrunken head of his mother around his neck) strode off into the sunset together.

I had always been mildly nonplussed by the whole 'MY BABIES, MY PRECIOUS INFANT CHILDREN' thing I see fangirls do... but TMNT has pretty much beaten that out of me. Now everyone is my own beloved son. (Though a real mother would have to be pretty messed up to get as much enjoyment out of their suffering as I do.)

Leonardo = my fave. Absolute fave. My precious bb.

From what I've heard about other versions, Leonardo has pretty much never been anyone's favourite before now, bc he's just too much of a 'boy scout', too noble and perfect. Well, apparently, just add some self-doubt and dorkiness to this flavourless stew and you get:


Awww.


OK, let's talk about the girl characters, because this is a thing that is interesting to me.


April's thing seems to be that she's really... cranky? A lot? Which isn't helping me love her as a character. Neither is the show's obsession with Donatello's crush on April, which became a love triangle of sorts with the introduction of Casey Jones. Can we just ban the love triangle as a narrative device? It's the worst. Back to April's personality: it's one thing to have a feisty kick-butt girl who won't lean on anybody and who insists on being involved in the field work of being a ninja, but when she's the only one in the team who doesn't have 15 years of intensive martial arts training, it just makes her look sort of dumb? And I resent that. Also, animators! Resist the fetishising of April O'Neil! She's 15 in this version! Don't be gross!

The April crush also is the horrible, ugly Achilles heel of Donatello's character. According to two out of three kids (uh, two of the three boys at work) Donatello's crush is the only thing preventing him from being their favourite character.





Not because they hate girls or think crushes are lame - it's just plain ol' painful to watch. It's creepy, possessive, (at times) objectifying and incredibly awkward.



Any romantic shipping on this show is instantly mired in unfortunate bestiality/incest implications... which I had the displeasure to encounter more than once whilst searching for these gifs. NO THANK YOU, FANARTISTS. YOUR PHOTOSHOP RIGHTS ARE HEREBY REVOKED.

Let's just say I was majorly ticked at the fates of Irma (*spontaneously combusts*) and Karai. A show with four male main characters (les tortues), 2 secondary male characters (Splinter and Casey Jones) and 1 secondary female character (though the extent to which April can be considered secondary as the show develops is debatable) cannot afford the Irma plot twist. Not even a little bit. Not to mention, if you intend on dropping that kind of insane plot twist, try to do a lil' foreshadowing? Unless you're an artist working with a specific intent, plot twists should not come out of nowhere.

I do love Karai though, even when she embodies about half-a-dozen overused tropes. Somehow... the cliches work? Her mad ninja skillz don't feel implausible or shoehorned in, because it's a show about teenage ninjas. Her Catwoman-style 'ooo, I'm a sexy badass from the enemy clan who pops up every now and then to flirt with you, humiliate you and possibly team up for the greater good' thing sort of works? Well, like I said, ships on this show... eesh. Do not want.

SO, all in all, why does a twenty-something-year-old grown woman watch a television show aimed at pre-teen boys? Particularly one that she acknowledges to be deeply flawed, even for what it is?

Lots of things.

The animation can be such fun.

The turtles' facial expressions sometimes go all anime for no reason whatsoever.





Love it.

I also really enjoy the fight scenes.

This might come as a surprise, but in my book, a well-choreographed fight scene is second only to a well-choreographed dance scene. It's difficult to find good gifs of any of these, seeing as the fandom is (somewhat predictably) ship-obsessed.

Bromance.





















Seriously, I eat that stuff right up, and there are almost Lord of the Rings levels of bromance going on here. Most of the stuff I resent about the decisions the showrunners make can be summed up by: 'stop getting in the way of the bromance'! Is Leonardo running off to chase Karai instead of seeing to his injured brother? Stop getting in the way of the bromance! Is Donatello bickering with Casey about April? Stop getting in the way of the bromance! Make something about loving, supportive relationships, particularly platonic relationships, and I will be all over it. Somebody commented on Splinter admonishing his turtle sons to "Seek victory, not fairness!" as being out of character and disappointing, considering Splinter's previous incarnations and their focus on honour and fairness - but in this version of the show, with Splinter portrayed as a widower and bereft father who has endured loss and who suffers nightmares about losing his 'unlikely' family - it makes a lot of sense. Splinter's priority is always the survival and well-being of his sons - and that's wonderful.

A perfect, flawless entity? No. But despite all the crap I'm still in to see what will happen next. Don't let me down, Nickelodeon!

Top Movie Dances/Musical Numbers

Make Your Move - it's like Romeo and Juliet... only, instead of everybody dying, everybody becomes best buddies again and all ends in happy dancing. I don't care if this movie wasn't objectively good - objectively good movies can go take a walk around the block. I want to watch people fall in love and dance well. (Also there's a dance scene that segues into a pre-sex scene... I mean, a couple literally dancing each other's clothes off... which is simultaneously ridiculous and kinda hot and awkward all at the same time) And the male protagonist, whilst being (we are informed) a bit of a delinquent and a cocky show-off, is just so... aware of his partner and the people around him that you have to forgive the cockiness, etc. THIS MOVIE IS SO SINCERE, I LOVE IT.

Kiss Me Kate: 'From This Moment On'. From the athletic enthusiasm of Tommy Rall and Ann Miller to the crazy beatnik stylings of Bob Fosse and Carol Haney, this sequence is a thorough delight. Just look at dem tights. For other awesome stuff from this movie, see Ann Miller's solo: 'Too Darn Hot', which lives up to its name - if Carol Haney's your favourite part of this delicious excerpt, go watch The Pajama Game.

Bride and Prejudice: BEST MOVIE EVAR. I was massively upset that the second half of the movie was all drama no dance. MUSICALS SHOULD BE MUSICAL THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH. YOU CAN HAVE DRAMATIC DANCE NUMBERS, HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE? The humour and goofy fun of this musical number are, like, my favourite thing, guys.
 While we're in the neighbourhood, I find it incredibly difficult to find the bollywood scenes I'm looking for on youtube, mostly because they're in languages I don't speak, but you should definitely be treating yourself to some real proper bollywood because it is AWESOME stuff. Munna Bhai is super super fun, besides being the only one I own on DVD. (New Year's resolution: watch more bollywood)

  Silver Linings Playbook: the way the narrative builds to this climactic dance scene and the tension and EVERYTHING'S JUST PERFECT, OK. One of those scenes that doesn't really make too much sense out of context but is all the better for it. If you haven't seen the film, don't watch this, (if you haven't seen the film, what are you doing with your life?!) but if you have, feel free to click and relive the scene.

The King & I: MOST ICONIC SCENE. Deborah Kerr's hoop skirt apparently inflicted some big bad bruises on her legs during the filming of this, which makes a lot of sense, watching the scene over. "Come, we'll do it again": POLKA-ING INTENSIFIES.

If you want to see some startlingly adorable talent and skill, watch E. J. Peaker and Danny Lockin break it down in Hello Dolly, particularly in the 'Dancing' number. (Or the famous dancing waiters of the title number. Neither of these are on Youtube, alas, probably for copyright reasons. Go get your mitts on a DVD copy of Hello Dolly.) It's also probably my favourite part of the movie because of Michael Crawford's intense long-legged awkwardness while being taught to waltz by Barbara Streisand. In the words of director Gene Kelly, 'an attractive idiot' indeed.

Speaking of the late great Gene Kelly - if you haven't experienced the pure joy of Singin' in the Rain's title number, don't continue to deny yourself the pleasure! Or how about roller skate tap dancing? Anything's possible when you're Gene Kelly

Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy, to me, felt like a less effective Serenity wannabe. (Keep in mind that, despite being more than a little bit in love with Firefly, I don't even like Serenity.) We had the cool rebel outcast types, the motley crew ultimately ending as an unlikely family unit, the guy in the cool coat, the 'hungry for violence' dudes - and, most glaringly, an unwillingly co-opted/surgically altered human weapon girl. Take away the girl bit and you've got Bucky Barnes from The Winter Soldier.

If I wanted to go on and on with the Firefly/Serenity parallels (and I do, rather) I could raise a very quizzical eyebrow in the direction of The Collector/Mr. Universe... thing, that I don't so much see as feel happening there. Although, Mr. Universe had a (consensual?) relationship with a sexbot(?) and The Collector just had... hot slave girls. That he casually abused. Who weren't particularly well treated by the writers of the movie either. But that's just the beginning of the painfully gratuitous sexism of this film. 

I could go on about stuff that other movies did the same/better before, but I guess that's going to be largely related to the comics, which have probably been around a while and evolved alongside or before the things I could refer to, so I'll leave it here.

THERE WERE SO MANY FORCED CLICHES. EVERY LINE IN THE SCRIPT FELT FORCED, ESPECIALLY THE 'FUNNY' ONES.

I wasn't wildly excited about the character of Drax, who was weirdly underutilised, like somehow pretty much everyone in the film, but the instant he turned out to be a revenge machine bent upon getting Ronan/Thanos (why the Hell did we have two equally boring interchangeable villains to keep track of?) back for the murder of his wife and daughter I really just stopped caring at all what happened to him. If you're going to go for a revenge storyline, you've got to dedicate some time to it, make me care for godssakes! Actually, this applies to most of the characters - most of the film. I didn't find it hard to care about little baby Peter Quill watching his mother die in the hospital... but I found it incredibly difficult to care about grown-up Peter Quill being an unamusing 'a-hole' whose tragic backstory was not compellingly tied to anything that actually happened in the film's main plot. The casual sexism of him being the 'I forgot you were here', user douchebag who beds women and promptly forgets all about them tipped the balance between Quill's being someone I didn't care about and someone to actively dislike.

I found it hard to care about the monotonously deadpan Gamora, though her backstory had potential and I really really could have gotten into a well-handled version of the Gamora/Nebula dynamic. Alas, twas not to be.

With a little effort (I know, it makes me both sound and feel like a psycopath to say this) I found  I could care about Rocket and Groot, though the hype killed most of my Groot feelings.

Guardians also had a lot of tone issues - much like the Hobbit movies, there was little or no logic to the emotional shifts. It felt like someone had just dreamed up a bunch of scenes they would like to see in a film and then just lined them up together haphazardly. There was probably character development happening somewhere, but I found it so difficult to invest in anything that I probably missed the moment. There was no logical reason as to why the characters suddenly cared about each other, after establishing that they were a lot of self-involved/cold/downright nasty people, any more than there was a logical reason for Drax (WHOSE WHOLE PERSONALITY CENTRED AROUND HIS INCREDIBLY LITERAL MIND) to randomly call Gamora (who did not at any point use her sexiness for currency, despite Rocket suggesting she do so in what was probably 'casual sexism No. 345')  a 'whore'. IN THE MIDDLE OF DESCRIBING HIS GROWING AFFECTION FOR ALL THE OTHER MALE TEAMMATES, NO LESS.

Speaking of causal sexism, if you're going to fill your film with lovingly lingering shots of Gamora's tightly clad butt, at least do it Avengers style and compensate with four or five hot hero dude butts. Come on, equal opportunity butt shots. It can be done.

When it comes to pragmatically-breezy-about-collateral-damage anti-hero types, my upper limit is about one per movie. This is probably the main reason that I personally could not love this film. Every character was an anti-heroic unlawful/chaotic neutral, a type that I think needs far more careful handling than it gets. It's all very well to compare Peter Quill to Han Solo, but as a matter of fact, I'd question why Rocket the raccoon isn't getting the comparison instead. He even has Groot, the most Chewbacca thing I think I've ever seen in a non-Star Wars movie. Plus, I actually almost gave a damn what happened to Rocket and Groot.

As pointed out by Erin, it’s a crying shame to hire one of the most beautiful men in the industry and then smear his face into what might be a cross between a smurf and a member of Kiss who hasn't washed his face for a week.

Positives: Aesthetically, the space scenes were beautiful. The soundtrack was OK. The CG rendered characters were, uh, well-rendered. Nice things like these aside, the whole experience was more than a bit disappointing.

“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”

It has been a really strange fortnight. I mean, apart from the fact that I can't take a selfie in which I don't look like Weird Al Yankovic.
For the last two weeks I have had a nasty flu-y thing that has kept me effectively housebound. I wasn't able to go to work (which is disastrous for my personal finances, but anyhoo) or to the combined church camp on the weekend or anything really, except the small huddle of shops where my doctor keeps her practice.
And I was so lonely. And so bored. Usually during the school holidays there will be at least one day in which I slump into deepest darkest despair and don't leave my room and just lie on the floor crying and thinking the dumbest most morbid thoughts - this past school holidays (right before I got sick) I successfully avoided doing this. I made plans, I had projects, I saw friends, I made sure not to leave time for the wallowing and the crying etc.
Turns out that being really really sick you have LOTS of time for this. Plus, you want to cry even more because your whole body aches and you haven't eaten in four days. (Seriously, this illness was that bad. Last Friday - two days ago (yeah, I put parentheticals inside parentheticals, watcha gonna do about it?) - I had an earache that kept me awake from midnight to 4am.)
Last Sunday I actually started thinking I had pneumonia - I started making resolutions. (Like, "God, if/when I get better I swear I will actually go out and try to make friends/meet people" type stuff.)
Unfortunately for current me (who only has a normal sized cold now, including husky husky voice) I can't remember what any of those resolutions were, apart from 'don't email people who won't email you back', 'next time I find out someone I know is sick I WILL send flowers and DVDs' and 'start eating healthy and exercising and maybe this kind of nasty won't be strong enough to wrestle your fit self to the ground again.'

So, yeah, next time you're sick, beloved friends, let me know and I will be there, willing and ready to listen to a catalogue of your aches and pains, bearing gifts and tissues. Because being left alone to be ill by yourself SUCKS.

Current listening: (again, it's gotten weird. This playlist doesn't make cohesive sense, but these are the songs I've been obsessively listening to over and over, so...)

The Love Club

Ukulele Anthem

Now We Know (if I had had internet access during the past week of illness I would also have been obsessively watching and rewatching the clip too, which is from my new favourite dance movie)

White Nights

“A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.” ― P.G. Wodehouse, The Adventures of Sally

How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it; if you could really look at other men with common curiosity and pleasure

Today I taught my grandma how to use the MP3 player she bought months ago and has never, before now, used. I also showed her how online shopping and facebook etc., work and she showed me all these beautiful pictures from when she was young and my mother and uncle were fat little babies in those funny little seventies baby clothes.
I'm reminded, yet again, how important it is to really live life with other people - I've become so used to spending time by myself that I get all kinds of anxious: even with people I love and trust. I always feel like I'm boring people or letting them down or being somehow selfish that I forget how to really enjoy the presence of people - and people are such darling, lovely multifaceted things. I wish I could interact with other human beings without feeling like I have to protect their feelings or save their souls or entertain their minds. But I just get so stressed out! And I do let people down, every single day of my life. Not in big ways or dramatic sins: just little things; I forget to do things, I fail to make appointments, I say thoughtless things. And every single time I do so I know I've done it immediately - and there's no respite for all the awful I feel. No matter how silly, I always want to do some kind of dramatic penance, go down on my knees and beg forgiveness from people. Unfortunately, this means that I don't take criticism well: not because I don't think I deserve it or because I get defensive, but because I always want to cry and that is not what a kind person trying to discuss a problem needs.

Let's Talk about Movies

I'm trying to figure out what I like in movies. Of course, most of my friends are convinced I have no taste - I get far too much enjoyment out of seriously awful romcoms and I don't watch serious films (if I can avoid them) or scary films (ever). But here, I'll write a list of my favourite films (excluding BBC period dramas, old Hollywood musicals and kids' movies, because they make up about 80% of my DVD collection and I can't help feeling that most people would just regard these as niche interests anyway) and we'll see what they have in common.

Today's post we'll focus on the fantasy(ish) films. By which I mean to say, stories within stories.

The Princess Bride

From http://sarahmensinga.blogspot.com.au/

is a given. I'm a Christian homeschooler, naturally I adore it to pieces, just like the rest of my kind. But why do we love it? The Princess Bride has it all, 'nuff said. Comedy, romance, action, (fencing, fighting, escapes, torture, revenge, true love, miracles) - it's funny and adorable and quotable. There aren't sex scenes to make you squirm and cover the kids' eyes - the action is exciting but unlikely to cause scream-yourself-awake nightmares. The writing is cleverly self-aware and witty without being annoying, the cast is stellar and the overall experience a delight. Why isn't every movie just a ripoff of The Princess Bride?
(So, to summarise, Princess Bride is on my list because it's romantic, funny, self-aware, pretty and exciting. Doesn't really narrow it down.)

Secondhand Lions




I like this movie a lot, but nowhere near as much as I like the other two films I'm talking about today. I like Michael Caine and I like the flashbacks/story time and I like the character dynamics. All in all, though, I guess it has this magical element of sincerity plus wonderment, which is why it makes this list.

The Fall

From http://bllbo.tumblr.com/

is one of two titles in my DVD collection that have a higher rating than M (recommended for Mature Audiences, 15+). My collection goes to MA (+15 only), no higher, so don't get excited! I thought of The Fall after The Princess Bride and Secondhand Lions because, like those two films, it's sort of a story with a framing device. And it's funny that these three films should have have that in common - I don't really like a framing device (particularly the ghastly one in Secondhand Lions, ugh.). But this framing device isn't really a framing device. The story Roy tells isn't the movie's focus or point - it simply reflects and enhances the emotional journey of the film, whilst weaving in and out of what's really happening. The story serves a purpose in the plot that is heartbreaking and disturbing. I can't really tell more without giving away ALL the spoilers, so I won't. Why do I like this movie? It's visually ASTOUNDINGLY beautiful. Lee Pace's broken, depressed stuntman is simultaneously relatable whilst being at the same time eyebrow-raisingly unhinged. Apparently Lee Pace and Catinca Untaru's scenes were filmed in order, so that the relationship between them could grow naturally as the relationship between the characters grows. And you can tell, watching it, too. (So it's on the list because it's, well, a good movie? No, we have to be more specific than that... It's beautiful and tragic and ultimately hopeful and did I mention beautiful? Like, filmed in 23 different countries beautiful? AND I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR MENTIONING IT BUT I MUST: Lee Pace looks damn fine in that bandit outfit. HIS ARMS.)

Daniel Tomalaris HOOKS Official Music Video 2014