Ugh. I just... don't know.

So much has happened over the course of this long, dark, ghastly winter.

I've learned, more than ever, that my default response to negative situations is a complete emotional lockdown. I simply don't think about whatever bad thing is happening; I just keep doing things, usually things completely unhelpful and unrelated to the issue in question. This means that I have this weird, double layer of reactions to said bad thing. If someone brings it up I'll either respond with the 'hardened outer shell' of cheery optimism/seeming indifference or experience some kind of emotional collapse in which I want to cry and rave and make an idiot of myself. This avoidance and denial of unhappiness is getting hard to function with. I'm having trouble remembering stupid little everyday things, I'm getting tension headaches. I cry at random times, mostly when driving alone. Worst of all, I've been experiencing this weird shortness of breath and tightness in my chest and throat. (It isn't asthma, I know the difference.) It's like the core of me is a wet cloth that's being wrung out constantly. I keep getting distracted from important things and wandering around, absorbed in some stupid unrelated thought or idea. Which is sort of good. I've done a lot of planning and diagramming for one of the stories I'm writing. But it means that I'm just cramming all my feelings away into a suitcase in my mind and piling random trivia on top, hoping that the aforementioned suitcase won't do more than just leak little bits of unhappiness.

I'm sorry about this, you didn't need to know this. But it has helped a bit to get it all written down. I haven't had the motivation or the emotional energy to use my diary lately.