Freedom Is Stifling

Hi... although somehow I don't feel like a greeting is suitable here today. Inexplicably.

So...

I haven't blogged properly for a while, which I feel mildly guilty about - spring has arrived (in a strange clownish way) and I haven't cleaned out anything, much less my great mental store of bloggable things unblogged. Such a strange place today. And recently in general. I don't know if I'm happy or not, which I guess means not; procrastination is reigning sovereign over my life at this very minute, which is why I'm here, I guess. And I only have one Reigning Sovereign Who is permitted to govern my actions, so it's rather uncomfortable.

When I was 17 I was happy with where I was in life. I knew where I wasn't, what I could be expected to do and know, how to succeed at what I was doing, what I wanted to do, and even though there were unsolved (perhaps unsolvable) problems I was content to do my best and give myself a fresh start - even when other people didn't.
And then I was 18. Besides all the poo that happened that year (there were good bits, naturally, but that's not the point) being a grownup, I find, can have a very bad effect on one's mental health. I'm doing a bit better this year - the weight of two authorities in my life has been lifted off, but I'm finding it very difficult to steer myself without the guidance I used to have - only to be expected I guess. And kind of necessary, even though I probably do a lot worse without my mother's reminding and nudging. (Which isn't altogether gone. I love that woman.)
But I don't have the security of 17. I don't have the sureness of 17. I don't know how much confidence to place and where to put it. I don't know how to lean on my Comforter - and I daren't put too much pressure on anyone else. But all in all, 19 is better than 18. I'm starting to sort out the threads, starting to tentatively peer over the edge of my future. I lack requisite courage - 18 taught me caution - and I lack a proper belief in my own ability, but I think I can get by for a bit without them. I haven't fulfilled the purpose of this year in any acceptable way - loving dangerously, I mean - but I think I was a bit too wounded and weak. There's always next year for a fresh start though... and no harm in practicing now!

I leave here, now, a slightly therapised person trying to shake off the procrastination urge...