Though He Slay Me, Yet Will I Trust In Him

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains

It's so hard to remember the important things.

None of my intellectual beliefs have changed over the last eight months. But I just realised that although I still held onto the knowledge, I sort of abandoned a lot of the heart of my faith. I believed (had to - my life depended on it) that God wants the best for me and has a plan for my life. But when all the pegs dropped out of the fabric I got mad at Him. How could anyone have thought that any of the horrible stuff that happened was in my best interest? After my second (or third - was it third?) car accident I remember actually screaming at Him (much to the concern of my youngest brother, who happened to be in the back seat), and crying because it just seemed so awful to me. I couldn't understand the point of all the difficulty and hurt. I still can't. Maybe that's because I was so angry about the lesson that I refused to learn it. I regret that. I don't know if I'm better or worse for the year I had - I know that I feel worse. But maybe the wounds need time to heal.


I read the other day (can't remember where) that the worse things get the closer we are to the end of the pain. That helped immensely. Also that evil only harms those who are closer to meeting God.

Bits are starting to make sense. Things I wept over I now understand - if I had never felt lonely then I never would have sought God. If I had been able to go ahead alone I would never have looked back.

I can still desire the things that I lost - but I can rest contented in God's arms and the hope of Heaven.

We cannot live in bitterness. We cannot live in fear.

I had to learn to trust God again. Trust that His plans are good.

Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17-18